Grief is a powerful emotion that can and will engulf you in a suffocating way. The brutal truth of the matter is that just as much as I wish I never had a reason to write such a post, I wish just as much that you never had a reason for reading it.

I lost my son 45 minutes after he was born in 2011. It was unexpected, and the simple truth is, I don’t think I ever understood true mourning until that moment. Once something in your life has been so brutally taken away, the world changes. You never recover from that moment, your heartbreaks, and you have to carry around the pieces.

If you are currently experiencing grief, I am so sorry. Apologies will continue to mean nothing, and words intended in kindness will break your heart. The unfortunate truth is… the sun will rise tomorrow, even if you wish it wouldn’t. The outside world will continue to hum the same song it always did, but it will seem louder and quieter, all at the same time.

When the sun hits your face, the unrelenting fact that you have survived the initial blast will settle in, and you will have survived something you sometimes wish you hadn’t.

Now You Figure Out How To Move Forward

It won’t be like you think it is. Time does not heal all pain. It just simply teaches you how to cope. Somedays, you will feel stronger, and some days will hit you like a ton of bricks, and you just lucky if you can stay on your feet.

It’s okay. It’s okay to cry, scream. It’s ok to go through “The stages of grief” or just skip it all and stay in bed. The fact is, every breath you are taking is enough. Every moment after your heart was crushed is a struggle, but every moment you are winning. You don’t ever feel like you will heal, and in truth, you don’t.

You come out the other side a different person. Your goals are different, your dreams change, and you see the world through a different set of eyes. The eyes that see the world without someone you never thought you would have to live without.

It Does Get Better

I promise, some days will be more challenging than others, some days you will struggle to just get out of bed. It’s okay. There is no right or wrong way to deal with what you have been through.

Breath, take a walk, cry, and talk if you need to. If you need to talk, join a group on social media and vent. ANYTHING YOU NEED TO DO. The fact is, we survive. Part of us goes with them, but the other part is left here to survive without them.

Some days the loss will run through your veins like a disease, and someday you will smile again. You may even feel a little guilty about it, but you do. And you can’t give up. You have to keep going because you are a part of their story, just like they are part of yours. You are the one to tell the world how wonderful they were. Whether it’s your parent, your friend, or your child, you carry them as part of your story. Cherish that, cherish that you loved someone so much and that you had such an amazing love in your life that it has survived even in death.

They are not gone. They are just around the corner. Just out of sight. In a beautiful place that they can hear your cries, your stories, and your love. Pay close attention because they are all around you. They are the flowers that are blooming in your garden, the birds chirping at the park, the cool breeze on a warm day. They are everything. Just as they were to you when they were here, they are with you. Just a silent moment away, whispering ‘I miss you in the wind’.

Apologies will never be enough, and my words are probably meaningless, but whether it has been 5 minutes or 15 years with your loved one, you are doing a good job. You are healing. You are letting that love survive when everything within reason tells us the love is gone.

No matter how sad it is, the fact is that many of us have experienced loss. One way or another, we have had to say goodbye to a part of us that will never return. While you may not find comfort in the fact that others are suffering, too, find comfort that we are all surviving.

When you’re ready to tell your story, it will not fall on deaf ears. The world has suffered loss, and it’s never too soon, too late, or too taboo to tell your story. Remember, it is yours to tell. You are writing your story of grief, love, and survival. It is messy, and to the rest of the world, it is just words. To you, those words are the world.

Even if it’s just one person, the memory of your loved one, your loss, will fall on the ears of someone who needs to hear them someday, and where you see weakness, they will see strength. You will see tears where they see love. You survived. You are surviving.

-The Un-Traditional Mother