It has been too long since my last entry. No matter what excuse I tell myself, nor the excuse I do my best to believe, the truth is, I held on compliantly to the life raft for a little while. Some days it was effortless to justify; others, I had to convince myself I was doing for some kind of greater good. The things you tell yourself when you are lost and you do not know which way to travel, but you romanticize one option in order for it to seem worth the effort.

Honestly, I am not sure I could even pinpoint the exact moment if I tried, but at one point, I was tired, and the life rafts strategically placed by society, government, and the masked powers that be were the easier choice, and I took it.

Those Around Me

It didn’t take long after joining the rat race to look around and see the carnage this world leaves upon a kind soul. The harder fact to bear was the unfortunate amount of time it took for me to take a closer look at the faces of those drowning around me and realize they were the ones I loved most. The wreckage held an unsettling resemblance to the movie Titanic when the boat began to sink, but the faces hit much closer to home.

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I suppose there are too many excuses that would allow me to continue on the path of the monster. The commercial style family where a mother tells her child she can’t play right now, simply because there are better things to do. Yet, that was not my family dynamic, nor was it the dynamic I had worked so hard to build up around us.

It’s all too easy to stress about money, luxury, or even relaxation, yet the things we have the most in reach, like time, happiness, and love, stand as innocent bystanders in the world we have created. My lack of realization of the matter has left me with stressed-out children, a wilted garden, a neglected home, and a soul that is too tired to rest in the light, so it chooses to fight in the darkness.

No Ones Fault But My Own

I sit today in a mess of pajamas and shame and try to find the turning point. It took years to program myself to see what society has made so dim. Yet only weeks to reprogram into consumerism and the value of the almighty dollar. My brain still pulls me toward the ultimate disappointment of my child’s face when I can not buy them a toy, yet is too naive to see the look on his face when we miss yet another trip to the park.

Self Image

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We have been taught to expect more out of our bodies than our minds. The amount of weight you can carry falls under a less important status than how big your muscles look from the outside. What feels natural bears no weight when it comes to the expectation of the visible status quo. Your job means nothing if it doesn’t carry an impressive title, and your image means nothing if you don’t bear a resemblance to the celebrities who have paid a pretty penny for fake human mutations that were praised as popular for a moment in time.

I became insecure. My image suffered at the hands of a society that spends more out of pocket every year on makeup and cosmetic surgery than it does for vitamins or even food, in a world where face-to-face interaction has been limited based upon your social status. We are entering the fall season, with higher death rates, a false cure that isn’t backed by science, and still, we are concerned about dying our hair or having the newest clothing. A fight to see who the best-looking bear during hibernation is. Redundancy is a word left out of the new urban language.

The stretch marks on my stomach, the extra 10 lbs that rest comfortably on my thighs, and the wrinkles that have raised 5 children to this point became something I so despised. If I tried, I couldn’t tell you why, yet my eyes still struggle to see past this feeling.

A Fight For The Future

If we place this weight upon ourselves, imagine the weight we place upon our children. They see us ignoring love for money, ignoring peace for the chance to be right, and ignoring being human for the chance to be anything but. We rise to stand for what we think is right at the moment yet refuse to stand for our rights as a community. We fight our neighbors and co-workers for the change to be first place instead of lifting each other up, so we all succeed.

Our vision is blocked by politicians who make decisions to fill their own pockets, and the society that had proved it feeds upon the weak.

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The hill is steep. The ones who are winning are given prizes that mean nothing when it comes to true meaning. We print paper and deem it to be powerful, while the resources that can and will carry our society are untapped.

When you look around at the current wreckage, make sure your mask and rose-colored glasses are not blurring the faces of those you step on. We strive and fight for a society that is eating itself alive; then, we deem those who want to change it un-stable.

Is it too much to ask that choosing love and peace become normal and the easier choice?

Or maybe just that being human becomes easier than becoming a conformist robot? Why praise those that place a filter on their face in real life and praise being natural on the internet? Why not love thy neighbor and respect thy elders with no ulterior motive?

How did we get so lost?

-The Un-Traditional Mother